Polly Whitney: Mystery Novel Review Form

Until All The Mysteries Of The Universe Are Solved,
We Give You Some Quick Guesses
and
A Warp-Speed Whodunit
by Polly Whitney

From The Desk Of A Vacationing Critic

As a person who writes mystery novels, I am naturally curious about how the critics operate. As a writer of mystery novels, I also know how to find out a bunch of stuff. One night I sneaked into the editorial offices of a major metropolitan newspaper — and, imagine my surprise at what I discovered! It was on the editor's desk, and I snatched it. I here reproduce my little find in full, just so you can see things from the inside, as I have done:

Dear Alex:

As you know, that time of year has arrived when I pack my snorkel and sunblock and head out of the newsroom. While I am away, please use the following form for my book reviews. All you have to do is fill in the blanks and circle your decisions in the multiple choice areas. Don't worry. Your decisions are not vital. One mystery is much the same as another. I'll see you in about a month. And, Alex, this time, when I return, lay off the Noxema jokes, okay?

Harry

P.S.: Make sure you get my byline right on the reviews. What you did last year wasn't funny.

Mystery Novel Review Form

_______________, the (second, last, newest, worst) entry in the _______________ series written by _______________, made me

b. remember my wife's birthday

c. sweat bullets

The plot of _______________ is tremendously

and the characters have

a. continued to develop

b. become wearisome

c. grown mustaches

e. taken to cross dressing and bridge.

While I have no automatic

b. preference for

c. bias of any kind against

d. first-hand knowledge of

death, I found I was able to

d. vomit during

the graphic scenes depicting

a. the excruciating serial laptop cuisinart murders

b. the final agonizing tea party

c. the ultimate bloodbath arranged by the mustachioed sleuths

d. the innocent victims hung like so many used party dresses in the closet.

The core of this new mystery, which

a. includes commentary on six serious social problems

b. pretends social problems do not exist

c. is a social problem

d. talks too much about feminine hygiene,

is a

b. tiresome tic

c. spectral echo of the time when authors were paid by the word

d. thrill-a-minute for even the most jaded reader.

To say that I enjoyed this novel would be to say that

a. Mars has entered Neptune's orbit

b. I have lost my mind

c. I have grossly understated my belief in this author's scope and vision

d. I enjoy sleeping with asps.

Be sure to

a. avoid this book like Sylvester Stallone's Hamlet

b. wait for the paperback

c. get in the long line that will be forming at your local superstore

d. read this one while sober.

Your summer will not be

c. really trendy

if you do not buy this mystery novel. I expect to see it

a. nominated for an Edgar Award

b. get under your skin like a tattoo artist on jet fumes

c. on the bestseller list

d. fade out of decent memory like a poodle crossing 57th Street at Sixth Avenue, against the light.

The author has simply

a. lost her touch

b. exceeded my wildest hopes

c. been buying her research by the pound

d. set her computer on automatic pilot and taken off for parts unknown.

I give it

d. a snowball's chance in hell.

Harry Whinealot

Submitted by Polly Whitney, a pretty good detective when something big is at stake.

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