1. Your knowledge of guns can best be described as

   a. rudimentary, but I'm willing to do anything I can to learn.

   b. superior: I have a marksmanship badge from the local shooting academy and can dismantle and reassemble an Uzi in three minutes, seven seconds.

   c. nonexistent: Guns don't kill people. People kill people. Did you ever hear Hercule Poirot say, "The little grey cells tell me that the murderer of the vicar was a Colt Gold Cup MK IV National Match (series 70)"?

2. Your interest in writing mysteries arises from

   a. a sincere love for the genre

   b. a desire to get rich quick

   c. a masochistic streak as wide as Alaska, as deep as the Titanic's grand ballroom, and as long as Willie Nelson's charity deductions.

3. Complete this sentence: A carnival is a good place to . . .

   a. enjoy the rides

   b. eat cotton candy

   c. hope for somebody to fall off the ferris wheel so you can time the process and measure the dispersal pattern of the victim

4. In your opinion, the ideal vacation includes

   a. golfing

   b. swimming

   c. drinking yourself silly, getting thrown in jail for disorderly conduct, badmouthing the insensitivity of the local police force, and writing off the cost of the experience on your taxes as "research"

5. Alien beings from an advanced civilization visit the Earth and you are the first human they encounter. They ask you to name the single most important problem facing humankind. You answer

   a. cancer

   b. the endangered environment

   c. royalty statements

6. A chainsaw is

   a. a power tool that has made life easier

   b. a dangerous machine that should be used with caution

   c. fun

7. What activity is more powerfully attractive to you than writing?

   a. Well, I guess only sex.

   b. Nothing matters more than writing. Writing is my life.

   c. It doesn't have to be very attractive. I'll do anything to avoid writing, including shredding and braiding my shoelaces.

8. Did you

   a. read the part above that said the scoring of this quiz would be explained AFTER you complete it?

   b. obey the part that said not to read the scoring explanation until you have completed the quiz?

   c. you cheated, didn't you?

9. When it comes to dialogue, you would always

   a. Use erudite synonyms for "said."

   b. Design most conversations to take place among at least seven characters.

   c. Rather hang yourself by your tongue from an oak tree.

10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that the colonies won the American Revolutionary War?

    a. Paul Revere's ride

    b. the introduction of guerilla warfare

    c. The Boston Tea Party was brilliant satire on English cozies.

11. The hero of "Operation Just Cause" was

    a. George Bush, for ordering it

    b. The American Troops

    c. The Papal Nuncio's guards, who removed all dangerous objects from the room where General Manuel Noriega holed up, so he wouldn't harm himself — but it has occurred to you that Noriega could have clubbed himself to death with a chair.

12. You consider a novel that includes a fool-proof murder method

    a. a great puzzle and a neat way to pass the time in an airport

    b. a vicarious thrill

    c. an instructional manual.

The Scoring Explained: This is like asking the clerk at Tiffany's how much the sapphire and emerald-cut diamond necklace costs. If you have to ask, you can't afford it.

Submitted by Polly Whitney, who can't afford it.