Someday, your turn will come, and you will be a murder suspect. It happens to everyone in the course of a normal life. We understand. The following will act as a true public service should you ever find yourself in need of an alibi. Print this out and memorize it. Do not keep it on your person or consult it when the inevitable arrest occurs. That would look fishy.

Unassailable Alibis

1. You were at a party, surrounded by Arkansas State Troopers, asking them if they knew any girls.

2. At the exact time of the murder, you called in to the Larry King Show.

3. Unless the corpse met its Maker through the agency of being kicked through the uprights in Irving, Texas, both of your arms are broken. You just haven't seen your doctor yet.

4. You were reading the L.L. Bean catalogue and fell asleep in the windbreaker section.

5. You were at Miami International Airport, waiting for your luggage to arrive on carousel #4.

6. You were watching Monday Night Football and can tell the cops precisely when the Jets stupidly called a draw play on third and 17.

7. "Take an X-ray, Pal. I haven't got a mean bone in my body."

8. You're Tonya Harding, and, while you knew something was going on and will be perfectly happy to finger your former husband and a few goons, you're skating for Jesus Christ.

9. "Are you kidding? With this much marijuana in my system, it's all I can do to find the fritos."

10. You were busying murdering someone else.

11. You were online in a chat room. You have thousands of virtual witnesses.

Submitted by Polly Whitney, who is saving the best alibi for herself. I don't want it to become old hat by the time I need it.