Following our previous discussion of what to do before the police arrive to investigate a death, it would be well to consider the yang for this particular ying. Authors and suspects, after the discovery of the body, you must on no account do any of the following:

It's Hard to Restrain Oneself, But Do Not . . .

1. Say "I did it."

2. Say "I did it. Hey, that's a joke, guys."

3. Fail to find an excuse to apply your fingerprints all over the murder weapon.

4. Destroy evidence by upchucking on the corpse.

5. Provide evidence by upchucking on the corpse if you have swallowed the murder weapon.

6. Sing "If I had a Hammer" in the presence of death brought about through the agency of a blunt instrument.

7. Take this opportunity to reveal that you have a valid hunting license.

8. Mention that you are a professional hit artist for the local chapter of the Mafia.

9. Neck with the corpse's spouse.

10. Admit that since you grew weary of Chanel No. 5, you've been wearing "Eau d'Arsenique."

11. Put a notch on your gunbelt.

12. Er, break wind if you are in a locked room mystery.

13. Cry and lose the power of speech. Nobody does that in a mystery novel — at least, not simultaneously.

14. Start knitting the shroud, especially not with black yarn you just happen to have handy, as well as the correct size needles.

15. Suddenly recall that you are the heir and scream "I'm rich! I'm rich!"

16. Tidy the room.

Submitted by Polly Whitney, from an extremely tidy room.