The legal thriller may well belong to the honored canon of mystery writing. On the other hand, it may belong in the Gardening Section. Nobody is really certain about the legal thriller, and the following definition should demonstrate why that is so.

The Legal Thriller: Order in the Court!

1. This type of book is invariably written by an attorney looking to earn some spending money. (See what I mean? Attorneys already have spending money.) Speed reading is essential to the consumption of these books, as, in addition to the $24.95 you lay out for the hardcover, you are billed $145.00 per hour as you read.

2. Protagonists in legal thrillers come in two brands:
   • The squeaky clean, highly idealistic assistant D.A., who is trying the case out of sincere belief in seeing justice done.

   • The cynical, down-and-out shyster, who drinks too much, couldn't care less about the Constitution, thinks the Supreme Court is a Motown group, but is suddenly stricken with remorse/greed/botulism and takes the case to relieve the condition.

   Question: Which of the two protagonists is more credible?

3. The point of view in a legal thriller is quite fluid. What point of view would you like and how much are you willing to pay?

4. The author of the legal thriller is never actually himself or herself. The author is always either "the next John Grisham" or "Scott Turow's heir."

5. The jacket must include a blurb by John Grisham, or forget it.

6. The critics, themselves troubled by this genre, say odd things like "intrinsically interesting," "a complex novel about a painful, confusing topic," and "So-and-so is improving as a writer."

7. These books are all 676 pages long.

8. The cover art looks good even across an Olympic-size pool at any hotel in Cancun, Mexico. And, you can read the title at a distance of up to six miles.

9. Very little courtroom activity is presented. The attorney/protagonist spends most of his time on airplanes, making calls from those neat phones on the seatbacks, or in the Cayman Islands laundering money, or in his office scouring for wiretaps or bugs.

10. The plot must turn on some obscure legal precedent, such as The Baker/Jones Disclosure Act; The Antediluvian Loophole; The Itching Jury; or The Let's Finish the Story by Having the Hero Simply Bolt for the Cayman Islands. That's what happens when you wait for 675 pages before you stop worrying about your billable hours and start making sense.

11. The bottom line is that everybody cheats, even the squeaky clean prosecutor who can't make his case any other way. The only question about the cheating is "To what extent?"

12. If the attorney/protagonist is the lawyer for the defense, he has no defense. This attorney might as well wear a T-shirt that says "The Express Checkout Lane is Open."

13. A lawyer writing a book makes about as much sense as an NFL player's wife signing autographs.

14. You can't tell if what you are reading is a novel or a screenplay.

Submitted by Polly Whitney, whose attorney charged her $145.00 to advise her not to write this definition.