I'm just taking a moment out of writing my third mystery novel, having managed to claw my way through some of the duct tape binding my fingers to the keyboard so I can't switch programs, and I wish to share with you something I experienced while on an especially good Tylenol high.

The History of Mystery

1. In the garden of Eden, Eve broke off a branch from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. She then scratched in the earth the following words: "I suspect Adam of watching my every move. I may have to get him before he gets me. There are few weapons around here, but maybe I can devise a way to make Adam take a fall."

2. Lascaux, France, is the site of cave texts indicating that hunters have developed their technology to the point that one of the more brilliant of the lot paints on the walls of his cave the story of how he had knocked off his wife with a pair of antlers. Although many scholars have been startled, puzzled, and awed by the cave paintings, we in the mystery field recognize the oldest story: conjugal termination and the need to brag about it. (See Adam and Eve above)

3. The Greeks anticipate Edgar Allan Poe's "The Purloined Letter" by placing their huge secret right in the open in the Trojan parlor, so to speak, so that nobody imagines that the wooden horse under their noses is anything but a nice piece of Greek decorative art. Had the Trojans read Poe, history might have shown us a decidedly different set of broken statues in museums.

4. Pontius Pilate washes his hands in public, removing his fingerprints. Scribes mistake his action for a metaphor, thus delaying an important detection tool for centuries.

5. I, Claudius, through a simple inversion of the customary manner of referring to monarchs by name and numeral, invents the first person narrator.

6. St. Augustine, because he deliberately chose to write in Latin, invents what will become a convention in mystery writing, particularly as practiced in cozies: the misleading confession. see Cozies.

7. After centuries of relative darkness in mystery writing, thousands of French words are introduced into English at the Battle of Hastings in 1066, including "Georges Simenon," "Leetle grey cells," "guillotine," "poison du jour," "Marquis de Sade," "vicious cad," "assassin," "homicide" (then an adjective), and "etre au courant," meaning to have a clue.

8. In 1588, the defeat of the Spanish Armada by the smaller, swifter, more manageable, and more intelligently commanded English fleet becomes the first example of the female private detective in mystery (and seafaring) history.

9. Shakespeare invents Noir fiction by writing into Hamlet's lines that the Prince is wearing an "inky cloak" and "customary suits of black."

10. By the time Abraham Lincoln delivers the Gettysburg Address, which was written on the back of an envelope, formal mystery writing is in full swing on both sides of the Atlantic. The envelope represents the first blurb, especially those immortal words "The world will little note nor long remember what we say here."

11. The August, 1995, issue of GQ displays on its cover a picture of Jean-Claude Van Damme in full flex, adding considerably to the actor's nonmarital fame. The same issue of the magazine contains a special 31-page section on the cheesiness of America, in which the editors list Mr. Van Damme, along with Ivana Trump, under "Imported Cheese." The latest mystery genre is thus invented. We'll call it "Whodunwhich?"

"[Van Damme] has passed his external check — the blood on his face is not real. He has passed his internal check — he will not be needing any of the intravenous drip solution he keeps on hand." Alan Richman, GQ.

Submitted by Polly Whitney, proud to be part of a tradition as old as dirt.